i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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