I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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