hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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