The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
