You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
