This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
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