you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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