My brain says no but my pants say off.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Randomize
