did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
