if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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