i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
