Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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