I'm going to rape someone's good day.
He kissed a someone with a penis
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
