508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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