Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
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