It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
