Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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