Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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