I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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