Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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