she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
