What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
