I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
