Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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