it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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