Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
