Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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