everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
