Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
