Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
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