I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
