Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
not ubering you a puppy
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
