Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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