i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
This couple is walking their pig around campus
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
