yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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