if you like me you must not know who I am
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
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