If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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