I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
