My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
