She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I wish you could order shots online.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
