Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
