There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize