i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
A+ Viking dick
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
