I love having hate sex.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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