I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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