He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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