i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
