My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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