I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
