I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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