I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
