u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize