it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
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