I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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