Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
