I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
there was a trapeze. enough said
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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