ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Randomize